Two years ago today, I said my final goodbyes as your heart beat its last beats. 730 days passed and I still feel that it is absolutely ABSURD that you are gone. There is something wrong about the world. I’ve stepped into an alternate reality where you no longer walk the earth. The absolute absurdity may never go away, but I find a way to move forward. I move forward, because you taught me to be strong.
We hit some big milestones in 2021.
Mariana finished middle school and made her first big next step over to High School. Freshman Orientation, first week of classes, first Spirit week, and first Homecoming Dance. Mom, you would be so proud of her. She is strong, confident, and making friends. Every communication with her teachers comes with an expression of her hard-working spirit and delightful personality. High School looks good on her. It is refreshing and I am so very proud. Mom you helped us navigate some dark days, I wish you were here to enjoy the bright, shining light.
We brought a new baby home.
After many negotiations from the munchkin squad, Shaun and I decided it was time for a new dog. We brought our sweet Sadie home at 8 weeks old. Raising a puppy is much like raising a baby. We are currently in the crazy toddler stage. At least I have experience raising babies and a whole lot of patience.
Business is good.
I have steady part time HR work from home. The world is nuts, supply chain is a mess, but we are making it work. One day at a time. One million trips to Home Depot a week. We support each other while we support our family.
Dad is recovering from more back surgery.
I would be lying if I said there was not a giant mom sized hole in the recovery process. He is a Rockstar in the world of rehab, but I know you know that. He makes you proud with every move he makes. I know you are close by, lending strength when he is tired, comfort when he is in pain. I try to fill in some of the gaps where I can, but no one can fill your shoes. No one does things the way you do.
I see you and hear you everywhere.
As I work in my gardens, run around town picking up kiddos, or stressing over this week’s stuffy nose and sore throat. I contemplate all the things you taught me. As I try to figure out the next right choice, I think “what would mom do?” I sit quiet in the bath listening for answers. Yes, you were 100% correct, taking a bath helps regain all the sanity lost through out the day. I should have tried it sooner. Sometimes I hear your laugh coming out of my own mouth. I hope your wisdom comes out as well.
Some of the deepest thoughts come out of a first grader’s mouth on the way to school.
This week Hunter said, “Sometimes I reach out and try to touch God, but I just can’t do it. But I want to.” This declaration moved me to a discussion of how God is everywhere and you are always touching God and God is touching you. You can always talk to God and God will talk to you. As you sit with God, I know you wrap your arms around each of us and hold us close. Just like Hunter wants to touch God, I want to touch you. I close my eyes in the quiet and feel your spirit wrapping me in the warmest of hugs. I still desire the physical touch of your arms around me. A mother’s hug cures all the world’s ills.
As we look towards the holidays, and the coming of another year, we will walk together and continue to navigate the grief that makes the world feel absurd. Your grandbabies will continue to grow and I will keep mothering in the best way I know. I learned from the best. Everything important I learned from you. I want to make you proud, to be the perfect personification of your amazing legacy. With each passing day I will say…